This Gottman blog article describes how as we get older and busier, we may have to work harder to stay connected to our partners, and to other people close to use – https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-ways-to-stay-connected-during-life-transitions/. We are stressed during the day and tired when we get home. Going out or doing something with friends may feel like a chore, when we haven’t had the time to exercise or cook a proper meal. The article recommends the following four ways to stay connected:
- Schedule the time to be together explicitly
- Take turns tending to each other’s needs
- Develop rituals for connecting
- Forgive each other quickly
I work with couples as they move through various life transitions. Together, we examine the patterns that are working in their lives and the patterns that need to change. Counseling can help with the change process that is often more difficult than it appears.
Couples need to engage in consistent and open communication as life throws various challenges at them. Almost every couple who engages in Couples Counseling says they need to improve their communication. They might be stuck in repetitive argument patterns, having different versions of the same argument, but never getting closer to resolution. These frustrations may lead to avoidant behaviors, where each partner starts leading a completely separate life, in parallel to the other. Depending on how long this emotional distance is present between partners, coming back can be really hard. Each partner may have created narratives in their mind that repeat the old hurtful statement made by the other, over and over again, with minor modifications that make it sound even more hurtful each time.
Instead of sharing old and new enjoyable activities, maintaining daily physical affection, balancing time together with individual independence, and handling life challenges with empathy and teamwork, partners may stay stuck in their “negative sentiment override”. “Negative Sentiment Override” is a term used in the Gottman Method couples therapy to identify situations where one partner’s negative feelings overshadow the positive or even neutral interactions, causing that partner to negatively interpret their partner’s words or actions. This assumption of bad intent, even when not warranted, expands over time and reduces emotional energy dedicated to the relationship. The pile of unresolved issues grows bigger and bigger into a un-surmountable barrier between the partners.
In couples therapy sessions we start by noticing if, before we address our partner, we are already expecting them to do or say something negative. If that’s the case, that means that there is a protective inner part of us coming onboard internally to listen and judge the interaction critically. Our partner, inevitably, feels that judging energy coming from us and responds in defense with their own protective part who either walks away or begins an attack of some form. And then we are stuck in this conflict cycle – our inner parts in conflict with our partner’s inner parts, while our deep pain and vulnerabilities never get address. In sessions, each partner has a chance to slow down and really pay attention internally to figure out which parts of them are present in the conversation. Ideally, partners are able to talk from heart to heart, instead of from part to part. Each experience of heart to heart interaction in session rewires our brains and opens us up to more and more of such intimate connections.
In my work with couples, I feel privileged to be present at these changes of energy in a session, when people are able to heal their hurt inner parts and instead communicate with each other from their hearts. If you are interested in learning more about how couples can change, please text or email me for a free consultation.