Couples Counseling: the secret to intimacy

Here is an interesting recent article that describes a groundbreaking Canadian study on what makes sex great. The researchers at Ottawa University realized that while there seemed to be an infinite number of books about bad sex, there were very few dedicated to great sex.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/26/he-secret-to-great-sex-erotic-intimacy-study

“Through a series of interviews, researchers began to build up a picture of what ‘the best sex ever’ looks, feels and sounds like. ‘One of the first surprising findings’ write the study authors, ‘was the … uncanny similarity in descriptions. [This] helped us to become reasonably certain that everyone was talking about the same experience.’ Despite the different ways each participant actually had sex, at the very peaks of the experience, everyone was feeling the same kinds of things: total absorption in the moment, deep connection with their partner, and openness and a willingness to take a few emotional risks.”

The key aspect of great sex were found to be:

  • Being fully present
  • Broaden the definition of sex
  • Engage with your deepest desires
  • Develop self compassion
  • Be radically honest
  • Be imaginative
  • Communicate openly and clearly
  • Add fun to your schedule intentionally

“Rare recommends approaching such conversations with ‘a technique I’ve borrowed from the sex educator Allison Moon: first tell the person you want to talk to them about something, then explain it’s something you feel embarrassed or nervous about, and why. Perhaps others have reacted badly in the past and you’re worried this person will reject you, too. Then you can launch into what you have to say having already let them know what emotions are attached to the conversation for you.'”

Elaine Korngold, LPC in Oregon, helps individuals work through their relationship issues. She integrates Brainspotting therapy with Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Parts therapy to help people reach their emotions in the subcortical brain and notice and heal all the Parts that appear when an intimate event is being planned.