How do you know if the relationship is over? I practice Gottman Method Couples Therapy and I discovered this “love quiz” on Gottman Institute website listing 6 signs that might be helpful in answering the question: is it time for the couples to break up? – https://www.gottman.com/blog/signs-time-leave-your-relationship/
“The idea that the love in your relationship has expired is a difficult thought for one to stomach. When love turns into hate and fondness into bitterness, and when negative sentiment override seems to be dominating your interactions, it’s likely a good time to question whether or not it’s worth staying in a relationship that simply may not be making you (or your partner) happy.”
“In these instances, the best thing partners can do is to walk away. When asked what advice Dr. John Gottman would give his younger self, he replied, ‘Get out of bad relationships sooner.'”
“Sometimes relationships get so turned around that you can’t tell if it’s time to leave or not. But your breakthrough research with thousands of couples discovered six telltale signs that can predict with over 94% accuracy whether a couple will break up within the next four years.”
Sign #1: The Story of Us — “The easiest way to tell if a relationship has passed its expiration date is to listen to the Story of Us couples share about their relationship’s history, philosophy, struggles, and achievements. If their memories are mostly positive, even with a fair dose of negativity regarding regrettable incidents, then there’s hope. But if negativity takes over—if it becomes difficult, even impossible, to remember the good times and couples focus only on the bad—then that’s what we call the ‘Story of Us Switch.'”
Sign #2: Weak Fondness and Admiration — “There is a major difference between couples who last and couples who separate. Happy couples tell their Story of Us with warmth, affection, and respect for each other.”
Sign #3: Me-ness Dominates We-ness — “Happy couples tell their stories with a sense of ‘we-ness,’ or of solidarity. You get the feeling that they are ‘in this together.’ Often their words show similar beliefs, values, and goals.When the solidarity and togetherness is lost, partners often describe their history in a way that emphasizes how it affected them individually (‘me-ness’), rather than as a couple. They prioritize getting what they want and ignore their partner’s needs.”
Sign #4: Impersonal Details of Partners — “When couples have vivid and distinct memories of each other, it’s a sign that they understand and respect each other, and that they know each other well and do their best to be there for each other. It’s important to know what makes your partner sad or happy, or what your partner cares about.”
Sign #5: Relationship Struggles Push You Apart — “Couples who talk about their history as chaotic are often unhappy. The stories they share are not about pulling together or learning from negative experiences, or of making light of them even if they were difficult at the time. It’s clear that the past troubles and conflicts did not strengthen their bond. It pushed them apart.”
Sign #6: The Relationship Falls Short of Your Expectations — “It’s a clear sign a couple is at risk of splitting when one partner expresses disappointment in how the relationship has ended up. When these partners recall choices in the past, they often express cynicism about long-term commitment. And when they make those cynical statements, they are short, and they don’t try to explain the nuances of the situation.”
Couples Therapy with Elaine Korngold
The Relationship enrichment services that I provide for monogamous couples are based on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a goal-oriented, structured, and scientifically-based approach built upon over 40 years of research.We work on recognizing emotions, building skills for managing conflict, repairing the couple’s friendship and love, and creating a system of shared meaning in a relationship based on trust and commitment. We can also work on helping the couples decide if it is time to break up. I completed Levels 1, 2, and 3 training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, as well as training in ‘Treating Affairs and Trauma’, and ‘Treating Couples in Addiction Recovery”. Contact me to learn more.