I want to share with you an awesome free resource from the Gottman Institute: Gottman Card Decks app, available for Apple or Android smartphones. I recommend it frequently to my individual and couples clients for strengthening & improving their relationships. Just like Gottman Method Couples Therapy, the mobile app is based on 40+ years of research by John and Julie Gottman into what helps relationships thrive and survive, and what keeps them from withering.
This entertaining and useful app offers helpful questions, statements, and ideas for improving your relationship. It contains 20 card decks with 1,000+ flashcards, and the ability to mark a card as a favorite. The 14 relationship card decks are structured around the fundamental organizing principle of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy – the Sound Relationship House (SRH), a secure partnership with solid foundation consisting of 7 stories and 2 load-bearing walls for trust and commitment. The 7 stories of the SRH from the bottom-up are:
- love maps (knowing your partner’s inner world),
- sharing fondness and admiration,
- turning towards each other (by making, recognizing, and accepting bids),
- holding positive bias,
- managing conflict,
- making each other’s life dreams come true, and
- creating shared meaning.
To summarize, in a healthy, supportive relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other and stick together. They freely love one another and pledge to help that love grow.
Gottman: Relationship Card Decks
There are 14 card decks with great questions to ask each other about the relationship.
- Love Maps
- Open-Ended Questions
- Rituals of Connection
- Opportunity
- Sex Questions
- Date Questions
- Give Appreciation
- I Feel
- Salsa (3 decks – Mild, Medium, Hot)
- Expressing Needs
- Expressing Empathy
- Great Listening
I recommend that you and your partner use these cards when you are both in the mood for it, rather than when you are too tired or stressed.
Gottman: Bringing Baby Home Card Decks
In addition, for new parents, the Gottman Institute offers the following 6 card decks (based on Bringing Baby Home Workshop):
- Love Maps
- Expressing Needs
- Parenting Roles
- Parenting Love Maps
- Open-Ended Questions
- Softened Start-Up
For example, here are the instructions from the “Softened Start-Up” deck:
Introduction: Soft Startup teaches participants to complain without blame and to ask for what they need. Whereas a harsh startup occurs when partners raise issues using criticism or contempt.
How to Use This Deck: Each of the following examples list a Want and a Harsh Startup statement. Go through each example and read aloud the Harsh Startup statement. Then take turns suggesting Soft Startup alternative for each examples until the card deck is complete.
Gottman research shows that in heterosexual relationships the women initiate difficult conversations 80% of the time, and the way that initiation (Softened Start-Up) goes, predicts how the entire difficult conversation will end. Practicing Softened Start-Up is a useful skill to have for both partners.
Gottman research has proven that the relationship with your partner is the cornerstone of your baby’s development. It’s not just about raising a happy, healthy child; it’s about cultivating a loving, harmonious environment for your growing family. The conversations invoked by Bringing Baby Home card decks can help cultivate a healthy environment in your growing family.
Couples Counseling with Elaine Korngold
Elaine Korngold, LPC, helps individuals and couples work through their relationship issues. For individuals, she integrates Brainspotting therapy with Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Parts therapy to help people reach their emotions in the subcortical brain and notice and heal all the Parts that appear when an intimate event is being planned. For couples, Elaine combines Gottman Method Couples therapy with IFIO (Intimacy From the Inside Out) therapy based on IFS to identify issues of disagreement, learn the skills to build a stronger and more loving relationship, and heal all the childhood parts that lead to unhealthy conflicts. Contact Elaine via email or text to learn more.