Couples, Relationships: what is your attachment style?

We develop our attachment style in early childhood, as we interact with our primary caregivers. These attachment styles persist into adulthood and often determine how we respond in relationships – at home, and at work. This article provides a good explanation of each attachment style in childhood and in adulthood, with links to short videos in which Dan Siegel, a neuroscientist, talks about characteristics of each attachment style.

What is Your Attachment Style?

A blog post on Gottman Couples Therapy website says:

“You can start to identify your own attachment style by getting to know the four patterns of attachment in adults and learning how they commonly affect couples in their relating.”

“According to attachment theory, you have a secure attachment style if a caregiver was responsive and available to you as a child, making you feel safe and secure. Creating a secure attachment is important for dating to create a healthy relationship. In a secure relationship your partner is there for you and has your back. If you are an insecure style (and you choose someone with an insecure style), you will continually be triggered and never feel safe or secure in your relationship.”

“If your caregiver was unresponsive, you form an insecure attachment pattern. An insecure attachment style manifests in three main ways.”

“Anxious Attachment: Develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.”

“Avoidant Attachment: Develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent.”

“Disorganized Attachment:
Develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real ‘secure base.'”

“All of these styles influence the way you behave in your romantic relationships and how you find a romantic partner. So, this begs the question, can one change their attachment style to a more secure way of relating?”

“The answer is yes, but it takes hard work. Often therapy can be incredibly helpful. Being aware of your attachment style and the choices you are making in a partner is crucial. A quality therapist will guide your development of the awareness necessary to discern whether you are reacting to past wounds.”

“We tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood in our adulthood. As much as people may dislike it, the familiarity is comforting. You may even confuse the feelings of relationship chemistry with what is the familiarity of your early life experience.”

“You can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.”

Brainspotting therapy emphasizes dual  attunement and helps people repair and change their attachment style that resides in the deep midbrain – the limbic or emotional part of the brain that has no access to speech or language.

Brainspotting Therapy with Elaine Korngold

I am a Certified Brainspotting Therapist and an Approved Consultant and would be happy to talk to you about Brainspotting. Brainspotting therapy accesses the genius of our deeper emotional brain. During the healing process I am fortunate to observe how intelligent, inventive, and intuitive all human beings are. Creativity is revealed through their resilience, survival, and recovery. The processing that occurs with clients focused on a Brainspot is deep, rapid, and unpredictable. During each session I wait for the surprise and I am rarely disappointed.

With your focused vision and my attuned presence and verbal guidance, emotional Brainspots can be released in a gentle and non-invasive way. There is no need to be in chronic emotional pain. Please text or email me for a free 20-minute phone consultation.