We develop our attachment style in early childhood, as we interact with our primary caregivers. These attachment styles persist into adulthood and often determine how we respond in relationships – at home, and at work. This article provides a good explanation of each attachment style in childhood and in adulthood, with links to short videos in which Dan Siegel, a neuroscientist, talks about characteristics of each attachment style – https://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/
A blog post on Gottman Couples Therapy website says:
“You can start to identify your own attachment style by getting to know the four patterns of attachment in adults and learning how they commonly affect couples in their relating.”
“According to attachment theory, you have a secure attachment style if a caregiver was responsive and available to you as a child, making you feel safe and secure. Creating a secure attachment is important for dating to create a healthy relationship. In a secure relationship your partner is there for you and has your back. If you are an insecure style (and you choose someone with an insecure style), you will continually be triggered and never feel safe or secure in your relationship.”
“If your caregiver was unresponsive, you form an insecure attachment pattern. An insecure attachment style manifests in three main ways.”
“Anxious Attachment: Develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.”
“Avoidant Attachment: Develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent.”
“Disorganized Attachment: Develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real ‘secure base.'”
“All of these styles influence the way you behave in your romantic relationships and how you find a romantic partner. So, this begs the question, can one change their attachment style to a more secure way of relating?”
“The answer is yes, but it takes hard work. Often therapy can be incredibly helpful. Being aware of your attachment style and the choices you are making in a partner is crucial. A quality therapist will guide your development of the awareness necessary to discern whether you are reacting to past wounds.”
“We tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood in our adulthood. As much as people may dislike it, the familiarity is comforting. You may even confuse the feelings of relationship chemistry with what is the familiarity of your early life experience.”
“You can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.”
The gold standard of assessing one’s attachment style is called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI). It is a set of detailed questions that a client answers in a number of sessions with their therapist that explore client’s state of mind with respect to attachment figures. The AAI not only probes past experiences, but also current thoughts and feelings about attachment. There are many quick online assessments that are various abbreviations of AAI, but none as accurate as the original.
Therapy with Elaine Korngold
In my private practice, clients interested in exploring and, potentially, changing their attachment style, use AAI as one starting point to identify triggering issues in a particular relationship. Then I integrate Brainspotting therapy with IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy to help clients connect with and heal the inner aspects or parts of them that get activated in certain relationships.
In my work with couples I integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy with Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) therapy (based on Parts/IFS Therapy). I also specialize in supporting Neurodiverse or mixed neurology couples (where at least one partner has ADHD or is on the Autistic Spectrum, or both). Relationships require work and are bound to face challenges large and small. Simple, everyday stressors can strain an intimate relationship and trigger early attachment wounds. Major sources of stress often threaten the stability of the relationship.
To learn more about my services, please contact me for a free 20-minute phone consultation.