I often get questions from prospective clients wanting to know whether engaging in IFIO couples therapy based on IFS (Internal Family Systems) model can address their deep attachment wounds and how this might be different from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The Attachment Theory, the core of EFT for couples, explains that we are all biologically wired to seek secure and consistent emotional connections with those we love in order to feel safe and regulated in our nervous systems. EFT views distress in a couple as a symptom of a threatened attachment, with EFT therapist helping the couple to notice their negative conflict cycles, reveal deep attachment fears, and restructure interactions to build a secure connection between partners.
IFIO therapy follows three phases: in the first phase the couple learns to trust the therapist, in the second phase each partner in the couple learns to trust themselves, and in the third phase, the partners learn to trust each other. The underlying experience of trust implies internal and external safety. The movement between these three phases is non-linear. Couples begin therapy with many distressed parts. Initially, as the IFS/IFIO therapist brings their “Self” energy into session – the energy characterized by 8 C’s (curiosity, calm, compassion, courage, connectedness, creativity, confidence, and clarity), it becomes a kind of a magnet for the hurting parts present in each partner.
In our work together, the IFS/IFIO therapist guides the couple in tracking their conflict patterns by noticing which protective parts are showing up in each disagreement, learning the deep story behind each protective part, and discovering the exiled part that is being protected. Working together in sessions, the individual, their partner and the therapist combine their joint healing Self energy, with appropriate parts’ permissions, to meet the needs of the exiled part holding the pain. In the process, this gives the option to the protector to be released from their post.
IFS enables each partner to build an internal secure attachment between their wise adult Self energy and their parts – protectors and exiles. Through this process, both partners in the couple move towards their secure attachment within themselves — as described in the second phase of therapy. As partners become more secure internally, they develop the capacity to be there for each other, which continues to promote relational healing. Attachment is a key feature of IFS/IFIO based on a recognition that parts in each of us need to be securely attached to our adult wise Self energy before we develop the capacity to provide a secure base for our partners – as described in the third phase of therapy.
IFIO (IFS for Couples) Therapy with Elaine Korngold
I am a Certified IFS Therapist Level 3 and I completed many additional advanced trainings in IFIO. I feel privileged to be present when couples make discoveries about themselves and their partners that result in relationship shifts. The power of healing can be palpable during IFIO sessions when one partner deeply connects, witnesses and heals their hurt parts in the presence of the other compassionate partner.
In addition to working with individuals and couples, I engage in monthly IFIO consultations to continue learning from my colleagues and to get support with my cases. I also have extensive training in the evidence-based Gottman Method Couple Therapy (Level 3+), and am Certified in Neurodiverse Couples Counseling. In my sessions with couples I lean on my entire “toolbox” to create the structure of the treatment process and to enable deep healing for the relationship. For mixed neurology couples with one or more ADHD or Autistic partners, I offer a neurodiversity affirming setting. Contact me to learn more.